As legislators in Washington prepare to vote on a $700,000,000,000 “rescue plan” and stockbrokers line up to trade in their Bluetooth headsets for nooses, you’re probably wondering what you should do with your money. Fear not, because I’ve been following this crisis from the beginning.  Though I have no financial credentials to speak of, have absolutely no understanding of the current crisis, and am still convinced that midgets are the primary component of ATM machines, I am here to provide you with 7 things to do with your money when a financial crisis hits to get more for your buck.

7. Put It In Or Under Your Mattress

This idea is often used to generalize any storage of “hidden money,” or money someone is attempting to avoid paying taxes on. It has also been associated with older people, friends of bank robbers, and anyone else distrustful of banks.  Despite this, I’m not telling you to put money under your mattress to start an emergency fund or for any of the other reasons I mentioned.  What are the two primary functions of a bed? That’s right, sleeping, and performing the reproductive act I learned about on the internet just now.  To my surprise, there was a tremendous amount of research material available on the latter, though many were counterproductive to the purpose of this article as they wanted my credit card number.

Figure 1 - Better than unplanned pregnancies or STDs.

In a financial crisis, many people allow depression to take over, but how depressed can you really be if you’re having crazy money dreams every night? For example, I put $20 in my mattress last night and dreamed that I was swimming in a sea of twenty dollar bills.  I consequently peed the bed and ruined my $20, but you get the point.  People also find themselves not only trying to figure out how to cut their losses, but trying to figure out how to make a buck, too.  I’m no expert on the process “where organisms form offspring that combine genetic traits from both parents” (see, I learned something today), but I’d be willing to bet that any money in or under your mattress during the act reproduces with a hybrid of you and your partner’s faces on it (Figure 1).

I wouldn’t put money under your pillow however, as it may turn into teeth.  This might be sound advice for your grandparents though.

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