As legislators in Washington prepare to vote on a $700,000,000,000 “rescue plan” and stockbrokers line up to trade in their Bluetooth headsets for nooses, you’re probably wondering what you should do with your money. Fear not, because I’ve been following this crisis from the beginning.  Though I have no financial credentials to speak of, have absolutely no understanding of the current crisis, and am still convinced that midgets are the primary component of ATM machines, I am here to provide you with 7 things to do with your money when a financial crisis hits to get more for your buck.

7. Put It In Or Under Your Mattress

This idea is often used to generalize any storage of “hidden money,” or money someone is attempting to avoid paying taxes on. It has also been associated with older people, friends of bank robbers, and anyone else distrustful of banks.  Despite this, I’m not telling you to put money under your mattress to start an emergency fund or for any of the other reasons I mentioned.  What are the two primary functions of a bed? That’s right, sleeping, and performing the reproductive act I learned about on the internet just now.  To my surprise, there was a tremendous amount of research material available on the latter, though many were counterproductive to the purpose of this article as they wanted my credit card number.

Figure 1 - Better than unplanned pregnancies or STDs.

In a financial crisis, many people allow depression to take over, but how depressed can you really be if you’re having crazy money dreams every night? For example, I put $20 in my mattress last night and dreamed that I was swimming in a sea of twenty dollar bills.  I consequently peed the bed and ruined my $20, but you get the point.  People also find themselves not only trying to figure out how to cut their losses, but trying to figure out how to make a buck, too.  I’m no expert on the process “where organisms form offspring that combine genetic traits from both parents” (see, I learned something today), but I’d be willing to bet that any money in or under your mattress during the act reproduces with a hybrid of you and your partner’s faces on it (Figure 1).

I wouldn’t put money under your pillow however, as it may turn into teeth.  This might be sound advice for your grandparents though.

6. Take It To Las Vegas

You might not think this is sound financial advice, but the suggestion of taking your money to Vegas instead of leaving it in the stock market is a simple question of opportunity cost, not risk, as you’re going to lose all of your money either way. By losing $5,000 in the stock market, you’re denying yourself the experience of losing $5,000 in Vegas.  In the former example, you lose your initial investment over an extended period of time.  This experience consists mostly of distressing daily monitoring of your accounts and cursing the E-Trade baby every time he appears on your TV for his shoddy investment advice.  In Vegas, however, you can lose $5,000 in a weekend gambling, drinking Jack and Cokes, and telling strippers how big your “yacht” is.

5. Play Skee-Ball

Figure 2 - 125 tickets and this could be yours!

According to Billy, my inside source at a local Chuck-E-Cheese, the value of prize tickets is rising competitively against the dollar. After a long discourse on what his favorite dinosaur is, he went on to tell me that it now only takes 15 tickets to get an eraser, and a mere 125 tickets for a super red rope licorice (Figure 2). As many of you probably already know, the best ticket profit margin is obtained through the game of Skee-Ball.  What the so-called “financial experts” won’t tell you is that the 100 point cylinders in the corners of the lane are a dirty scam. Stick with fifties and you’ll be rolling in Jolly Ranchers before you know it.  To seal the deal, Chuck himself has instituted a new policy:

“If you are short any tickets for that real special prize, extra tickets can be added for 1¢ a ticket.”

For those wondering, young William favors the triceratops.

4. Bury It In the Ground

Some people, like those implementing the traditional meaning of putting money “under your mattress,” might interpret this to mean burying your money in mason jars in your backyard.  They have the backyard part right, at least.  There is no conclusive scientific evidence that I was too lazy to look for that says that if you bury money in the ground that a money tree will not grow. Money is made of paper, which comes from trees.  Money is green, like trees.  By this flawless logic, bury your money and you’ll be on your way to a financial forest.  This is a win-win scenario. If I’m wrong, grab your shovel and you have a treasure hunt on your hands.  Your neighborhood will be booming with envy as while they have their money in “banks” and “sound financial investments,” you get to dig for monies in your backyard.  Pirate costume optional.

3. Donate It To a Presidential Campaign

If the economy is in crisis, you want someone to fix it, don’t you?  Unfortunately, the economy is something you cannot fix by hitting it aimlessly with a hammer. I have also found this method to be equally ineffective, not to mention damaging, in the realm of auto repair.  Being elected to the Presidency during or subsequently following a financial disaster an unenviable position, but someone has to do it.  A President inheriting such a mess should probably be intelligent, a good leader, and use words like “fiscal.” A vote for the candidate you think is best equipped to handle the assumed crisis is an assertion of your belief in the potential success of their policies.  A donation to their campaign is an investment in that candidate and their policies, one which hopefully you’ll eventually get a return on.  If nothing else, you can take credit for things they do and tell your friends you paid for 0.0875 seconds of a given advertisement during the campaign.

2. Eat It

Figure 3 - I would avoid om nomming your coinage.

Keith Olbermann said the following while filling in for an absent John McCain on Late Night With David Letterman:

“If the economy could not wait…if the vote of this could not wait the length of the appearance, here on the program, you know…just eat your money, right now, because, you know…we’re that far gone?”

If things are as bad as I’m panicking to believe, I don’t think Keith is too far off here.  Is getting the same investment back in a day or so covered in feces really that much worse than losing a third of it in the market?  Just be sure to stick to paper money only on this one, unlike in figure 3. I have a feeling the ridges on a quarter don’t feel too good exiting one’s posterior.

1. Melt Down Your Coinage For A New Looting Rod

In an anarchic, car-flipping, rioting economic scenario, one should be well prepared. If such a desperate situation occurs, the best use of your money is to convert enough into coinage to cast a new looting rod, as I’m assuming you already have an old looting rod in need of replacement.  Nothing says “fix the economy” more ironically than breaking a store window in the interest of looting with a rod forged from the last $129.47 you have. You might be thinking, “well, why don’t I just take that money and buy a few crowbars?”  If you are one of these people, you are part of the problem.  You only need one looting rod, and it’s wasteful spending and greed such as that that got us into this mess.