I was driving on the highway last week and someone entering from the on ramp cut me off, and they got away with it.

Awhile back, my car horn stopped working. At the time, I equated this type of automotive failure to a turn signal light going out or spilling a drink on my floor mat.  You really don’t realize how much you miss some things until they’re gone.  When you think of all of the situations in which you use your car horn, it’s easy to see how this is something we all take for granted.

Figure 1 - A good idea in theory, but people cutting you off can't see, nor would they follow, instructions on your bumper.

The intended use for a car horn is safety.  It’s there to inform someone who is about to feel the wrath of your bumper from what direction their impending doom is originating. The  car horn gives other motorists, pedestrians, dogs, cats, raccoons, the homeless, and utility poles a chance to look up and comprehend just how wrecked they are about to be.  Most of us, however, use our car horns to exclaim our hatred for the very existence of those who impede our daily commute.

Without a car horn, someone can cut you off, like they did me, and never know just how mad you are about it. The accused continue driving, thinking, “I may have just cut that person off.  Well…no horn, everything must be okay.”  Meanwhile, you’re inventing curse words inside the soundproof bubble of your car’s interior.  Not only this, but your anger is heightened more when you have no means with which to get their attention to show them your middle finger (Figure 1).  At this point, you have no other choice than to pull up beside them and run them off the road.  If you have nothing better to do, you might follow the perpetrator home to urinate on their freshly seeded lawn to express your disdain.  It is easy to see what an important safety measure a car horn is.  Car horns prevent accidents and keep lawns green.

Car horns are not just a safety measure. In a restaurant drive thru, a car horn can say the following:

“Hey, I’ve been waiting twenty minutes for my french fries.”

“Wait wait wait…I need ketchup for these fries.”

Figure 2 - Traffic jams make Jack Bauer cry.

“You bastards.  There’s an onion ring in my fries.“

Honking a car horn can also signal impatience and promote haste, provide a passing salutation, and aide national security, among other things.

If you’re waiting on a friend or behind someone at a recently changed green light, a honk can say “hey, hurry the hell up.” On a road trip, a horn can serve as a communication medium with other cars via mobile Morse code.  If you see a friend while driving, you can honk to say hello. If you see someone you hate, a honk can get them to look at your newly raised middle finger or bare posterior.  (2Lincolns.com does not condone mooning while driving.  Please have a passenger with similar  hatred for the targeted party assist).

Figure 3 - Don't ask me where I found this.

A car horn can also notify other motorists on a one way street on which you’re going the wrong way that you’re not drunk, high, or a woman bad driver, but that you’re chasing bad guys.  Imagine if Jack Bauer was without a car horn (Figure 2).

Adding a horn to something doesn’t always make it better, though. Take horses for example.  Add a horn to a horse, and you have the fruitiest animal in existence, the unicorn (Figure 3).  Add a horn to a motorcycle, and you replace a manly rumble of an engine with a pansy “beep”.  Add a horn to your head, you’re a circus show freak.  Add two horns, you’re the devil. Sinner.

I think that in the end, the pros of having a horn outweigh the cons. I’ve already discussed many pros of having a horn, but also look at how much  horns have made rhinos, bulls, and Sauron own shit.  Imagine any lord of darkness without horns.  It would just be a red Jay Leno with a neanderthal brow.  What if you ate a horn?  The hilarity of your flatulence just increased exponentially.

In conclusion, if your horn is broken, get it fixed. You owe it to sanity, neighborhood drive thrus, friends, enemies, fellow motorists, and most of all, Jack Bauer, who has kept the United States free of terrorist attacks since first appearing on television in November of 2001.