Figure 1 - Is the Wells Fargo wagon a victim of dysentery, or just lacking a sense of direction?

The hardest part of this hell is remembering everything your address is tied to, so I started making a list of everything.  As I moved down the list, I realized some organizations make this process easier than others.  There were actually a couple of places that I literally could not, based on policy, update my address online.  Really.  I’m serious.  I couldn’t update my Wells Fargo credit card’s address online either, but not because of policy.  It’s because their website is complete and utter shit.  Well, it was.  I say that because the shit site I used to sign on to was no longer there.  POOF!!! Gone.  I found another website for Wells Fargo cards–that’s right, they have different sites for each different type of account–but couldn’t get it to accept any of my credentials.  I swallowed my pride and picked up the phone to call customer service…for a credit card company.

Mind you, some credit card companies have some decent customer service.  They’re based somewhere between out of my ass and Neverland.  Wells Fargo has been especially (***SARCASM ALERT***) awesome during my tenure as a cardholder.  I’ve carried a zero balance for some time now, so like any credit card company with a fiscally responsible customer, they solicit the piss out of me, trying to sell me identity theft protection, insurance policies, and even asking me, a customer with a paid off credit card, why I’m not charging anything.  Oh, you’re right, I love finance charges…off to the mall!!!

But I digress.  I apologize for the rant, but I don’t do well with credit card customer service.  Anyway, I changed my address over the phone.  A few weeks later, Wells Fargo sent me a confirmation letter of my address change…to my old address (Figure 2).

[Five minute head banging against desk session]

Granted, this was one of the less painful experiences I’d had with credit card companies, but it was also one of the dumbest.

If you’re brave enough, leave your own customer service experiences with credit card companies in the comments.

Figure 2 - Kind of defeats the purpose, doesn't it?

Figure 1 - Home owner smiling Bob is all for extension and expansion.

This post’s title originated from an odd and unintentionally humorous commercial my friend heard on the radio advertising male enhancement drugs. The commercial claimed the advertised product would make you thicker and wider. Unless your parts are shaped like a spatula, this does not make a whole lot of sense.  I was thinking about writing a post on this, but decided that I didn’t want to write about wang pills.  I decided the metaphor was appropriate to apply to the housing market, given that we’re all pretty much boned.

Speaking of dick measuring, representatives in both the House and the Senate have proposed among them five different bills affecting the current $8,000 first-time home buyer tax credit, all trying to take some credit of their own as saviors of the housing market.  I applied the “popularity contest” principle to these because, despite slight variations, they all propose pretty much the same thing.

The common theme among the five bills is extension of the current credit. I can most certainly agree with this being the forefront of any initiative to modify the current credit.  Like others trying to weather an unsure economic climate, I had already made other financial plans and goals when I heard about the credit earlier this year. The prospect of getting $8,000 in return for purchasing a first home probably got many thinking about buying their first home, but it also left them scrambling.

Prospective home buyers have been left having to modify their financial plans, improve their credit, ensure they have a proper down payment, research available homes, familiarize themselves with the home buying process, and obtain financing. The credit’s expiration of November 30, 2009 meant that these first-timers would have to close on their first home within months, having not previously planned on purchasing.  Many surely would benefit from the tax credit as it exists, but the question remains: will the credit get extended, or even expanded, so more people can capitalize on the opportunity?

Figure 2 - You were expecting Scrooge McDuck perhaps?

For the financially savvy, this may not seem like a large undertaking for an individual, but we’re in a financial crisis caused mostly because, well, there are a lot of people out there who think a five year CD is an album released in 2004. Regardless of the difficulties any person may have in getting their financial ducks in a row (Figure 2), the opportunity is just too good to pass up.  Combine the tax credit with an abundance of available homes, relatively low mortgage rates, and falling home prices, and the market is prime for a first-time buyer.

I haven’t met anyone in favor of all of the spending that’s going on in the government right now, but if it’s going to benefit you, it’s hard to pass up on principle.  I’ve created a table below that organizes the five outstanding bills so you don’t have to read through boring detailed legislation. If you do want to read the bills and view their respective statuses, I’ve included a link to each in the “Bill” column. For those not hip to the Legislative Branch of the United States government, the “S.” and “H.R.” abbreviations on each bill designate whether they were introduced in the Senate or the House of Representatives.

¹Senator Isakson sponsored the initial first-time home buyer tax credit in the Stimulus Bill passed in early 2009.
²Retroactive for all purchases made after 4/8/2008.  Taxpayer may also claim purchase as if it were made December 31 of the previous year.

All of these bills are being shown as in committee at the time of this posting, and whether any of them get passed in any modified or unaltered form remains to be seen. I hope H.R. 2801 doesn’t pass though.  Representative Howard Coble named it the “Home Ownership Moves the Economy” Act, or “HOME” for short.  The world has enough acronyms, Howard.

Something to consider is how the pending status of these bills could affect the housing market.  If a prospective home buyer is aware of these bills, they may hold off in purchasing a home until these bills are either signed into law or rejected.  A potential roadblock to passage of any of these bills could be the rising pressure from the White House in getting health care reform at the forefront of the daily work of congress. The President’s Council of Economic Advisers released their executive summary on The Economic Case For Health Care Reform in June, and this issue will only gain more steam.

Given the fact that the common theme of all five bills is an extension, I think that one of these bills, in some form, will get signed into law this year. Which one and when, I don’t know, but with the August recess of congress coming up, I don’t expect it to be soon.  A legislator is the only job I know that they actually bring back recess as an adult.  I bet Joe “flip flop” Lieberman (I) gets picked last in kickball.

If the home buyer tax credit is important to you, write your representatives.

I was hungry the other night and decided to go to Taco Bell because, well, it was cheap. It’s bad enough that I’m resorting to saving money by eating at Taco Bell, but you know things are really bad when even they’re cutting back.  What have we come to expect from a Taco Bell taco?

• 100% USDA Choice Grade D meat, a step above dog food
• Partially stale hard or soft shell
• Cheese
• Cost at less than $1.00
• Lettuce
• Approximately 283 packets of hot sauce

Figure 1 - Puke. Eh, I'll eat it anyway.

To my disdain, upon opening my taco, I found that there was no lettuce (see the opposite of appetizing in Figure 1).  A head of lettuce costs about $1.00 at the grocery store.  Taco Bell, a fast food chain, probably gets them at a bulk discount, maybe at $0.85 a head.  Is the economy so in the tank that I can’t get my expected 15 shards of lettuce on my parasite infested taco? I mean, I’m trying to be health conscious here.  Without lettuce, I’m eating grade D meat on what I assume is some form of a Mexican cracker with a bunch of cheese.  As a side note, “Mexican cracker” is a slight oxymoron, and it makes me giggle.

What does not rouse a guffaw from my gullet is being deprived of my greens on my taco. This increases the likelihood that my colon will become detached from my gullet.  Furthermore, what the fuck is a gullet?  Back to the topic at hand.  I also did not receive my suitcase of various hot sauces. I was merely given enough hot sauce to evenly spread over my three tacos.  Though most of the aforementioned taco criteria had been met, enough had been omitted to make me realize we may be in a recession.  If things are really this bad, I need to start exploring effective ways to make my money work for me that don’t also give me explosive, uncontrollable diarrhea.

…a picture of a sad stockbroker.

I’ve compiled the gallery below of sad stockbrokers, providing captions for your enjoyment as you look for something to smile about after seeing that your 401(K) is down 42%.  Remember, for my tips on what to do in these uncertain times, click here.

Click on any of the images below to view them with captions at their original size in a slide show. Yes, a slide show of stockbrokers.  But with captions!!!

Ironically, while I was finishing my final edits on this post (11:32 PM 10/9/2008), I had The Colbert Report on in the background and he offered up disgruntled stockbroker poses for the media to use in their Friday publications.  Bravo, Stephen, we share the same laughing muscle and for that I am honored.  Look for the video after the break.

UPDATE (10/12/2008 2:09 PM): Here’s the video of Stephen Colbert’s “Dismayed Stockbrokers” from The Colbert Report:

UPDATE (10/12/2008 11:10 PM): Looks like Conan O’Brien is in on the fun as well:

7. Put It In Or Under Your Mattress

This idea is often used to generalize any storage of “hidden money,” or money someone is attempting to avoid paying taxes on. It has also been associated with older people, friends of bank robbers, and anyone else distrustful of banks.  Despite this, I’m not telling you to put money under your mattress to start an emergency fund or for any of the other reasons I mentioned.  What are the two primary functions of a bed? That’s right, sleeping, and performing the reproductive act I learned about on the internet just now.  To my surprise, there was a tremendous amount of research material available on the latter, though many were counterproductive to the purpose of this article as they wanted my credit card number.

Figure 1 - Better than unplanned pregnancies or STDs.

In a financial crisis, many people allow depression to take over, but how depressed can you really be if you’re having crazy money dreams every night? For example, I put $20 in my mattress last night and dreamed that I was swimming in a sea of twenty dollar bills.  I consequently peed the bed and ruined my $20, but you get the point.  People also find themselves not only trying to figure out how to cut their losses, but trying to figure out how to make a buck, too.  I’m no expert on the process “where organisms form offspring that combine genetic traits from both parents” (see, I learned something today), but I’d be willing to bet that any money in or under your mattress during the act reproduces with a hybrid of you and your partner’s faces on it (Figure 1).

I wouldn’t put money under your pillow however, as it may turn into teeth.  This might be sound advice for your grandparents though.

6. Take It To Las Vegas

You might not think this is sound financial advice, but the suggestion of taking your money to Vegas instead of leaving it in the stock market is a simple question of opportunity cost, not risk, as you’re going to lose all of your money either way. By losing $5,000 in the stock market, you’re denying yourself the experience of losing $5,000 in Vegas.  In the former example, you lose your initial investment over an extended period of time.  This experience consists mostly of distressing daily monitoring of your accounts and cursing the E-Trade baby every time he appears on your TV for his shoddy investment advice.  In Vegas, however, you can lose $5,000 in a weekend gambling, drinking Jack and Cokes, and telling strippers how big your “yacht” is.

5. Play Skee-Ball

Figure 2 - 125 tickets and this could be yours!

According to Billy, my inside source at a local Chuck-E-Cheese, the value of prize tickets is rising competitively against the dollar. After a long discourse on what his favorite dinosaur is, he went on to tell me that it now only takes 15 tickets to get an eraser, and a mere 125 tickets for a super red rope licorice (Figure 2). As many of you probably already know, the best ticket profit margin is obtained through the game of Skee-Ball.  What the so-called “financial experts” won’t tell you is that the 100 point cylinders in the corners of the lane are a dirty scam. Stick with fifties and you’ll be rolling in Jolly Ranchers before you know it.  To seal the deal, Chuck himself has instituted a new policy:

“If you are short any tickets for that real special prize, extra tickets can be added for 1¢ a ticket.”

For those wondering, young William favors the triceratops.

4. Bury It In the Ground

Some people, like those implementing the traditional meaning of putting money “under your mattress,” might interpret this to mean burying your money in mason jars in your backyard.  They have the backyard part right, at least.  There is no conclusive scientific evidence that I was too lazy to look for that says that if you bury money in the ground that a money tree will not grow. Money is made of paper, which comes from trees.  Money is green, like trees.  By this flawless logic, bury your money and you’ll be on your way to a financial forest.  This is a win-win scenario. If I’m wrong, grab your shovel and you have a treasure hunt on your hands.  Your neighborhood will be booming with envy as while they have their money in “banks” and “sound financial investments,” you get to dig for monies in your backyard.  Pirate costume optional.

3. Donate It To a Presidential Campaign

If the economy is in crisis, you want someone to fix it, don’t you?  Unfortunately, the economy is something you cannot fix by hitting it aimlessly with a hammer. I have also found this method to be equally ineffective, not to mention damaging, in the realm of auto repair.  Being elected to the Presidency during or subsequently following a financial disaster an unenviable position, but someone has to do it.  A President inheriting such a mess should probably be intelligent, a good leader, and use words like “fiscal.” A vote for the candidate you think is best equipped to handle the assumed crisis is an assertion of your belief in the potential success of their policies.  A donation to their campaign is an investment in that candidate and their policies, one which hopefully you’ll eventually get a return on.  If nothing else, you can take credit for things they do and tell your friends you paid for 0.0875 seconds of a given advertisement during the campaign.

2. Eat It

Figure 3 - I would avoid om nomming your coinage.

Keith Olbermann said the following while filling in for an absent John McCain on Late Night With David Letterman:

“If the economy could not wait…if the vote of this could not wait the length of the appearance, here on the program, you know…just eat your money, right now, because, you know…we’re that far gone?”

If things are as bad as I’m panicking to believe, I don’t think Keith is too far off here.  Is getting the same investment back in a day or so covered in feces really that much worse than losing a third of it in the market?  Just be sure to stick to paper money only on this one, unlike in figure 3. I have a feeling the ridges on a quarter don’t feel too good exiting one’s posterior.

1. Melt Down Your Coinage For A New Looting Rod

In an anarchic, car-flipping, rioting economic scenario, one should be well prepared. If such a desperate situation occurs, the best use of your money is to convert enough into coinage to cast a new looting rod, as I’m assuming you already have an old looting rod in need of replacement.  Nothing says “fix the economy” more ironically than breaking a store window in the interest of looting with a rod forged from the last $129.47 you have. You might be thinking, “well, why don’t I just take that money and buy a few crowbars?”  If you are one of these people, you are part of the problem.  You only need one looting rod, and it’s wasteful spending and greed such as that that got us into this mess.

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