Figure 1 - Note to Burger King's marketing department: I do not see onion rings this way. (Original image copyright New Line Cinemas)

In an effort to save time so I could run some errands on my lunch break, I decided to go through the drive thru at a local Burger King. After departing with my food sitting comfortably in my passenger seat, I reached over to open the bag at the first red light I came to. The repugnant smell that filled my car as I opened the bag confirmed my worst fear.

There was an onion ring in my fries.

If you love onion rings, this may have been the high point of your day. You, being the onion ring whore enthusiast that you are, might consider this a welcomed error in fry scooping committed by the Burger King staff. You look around after seeing this orphaned onion “treat” in your fries as if you have just gotten away with the ultimate fast food crime. You think of all of the poor bastards who just got the fries they ordered as you eat the one ring in eighths, if only to savor its onion goodness for a little longer.

I, on the other hand, do not perceive this situation to be in my favor. Let’s get one thing straight. I hate onion rings. There are foods that I’ve tried and simply did not like, and then there are foods like onion rings–foods belonging to an elite group worthy of my most abhorrent feelings. This group includes, but is not limited to: mayonnaise, olives, and bull testicles. I have different reasons as to why each of these is deserved of so much hate, but for the sake of taking the focus off of bovine nutsacks, I’ll tell you why I hate onion rings so much.

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I was driving on the highway last week and someone entering from the on ramp cut me off, and they got away with it.

Awhile back, my car horn stopped working. At the time, I equated this type of automotive failure to a turn signal light going out or spilling a drink on my floor mat.  You really don’t realize how much you miss some things until they’re gone.  When you think of all of the situations in which you use your car horn, it’s easy to see how this is something we all take for granted.

Figure 1 - A good idea in theory, but people cutting you off can't see, nor would they follow, instructions on your bumper.

The intended use for a car horn is safety.  It’s there to inform someone who is about to feel the wrath of your bumper from what direction their impending doom is originating. The  car horn gives other motorists, pedestrians, dogs, cats, raccoons, the homeless, and utility poles a chance to look up and comprehend just how wrecked they are about to be.  Most of us, however, use our car horns to exclaim our hatred for the very existence of those who impede our daily commute.

Without a car horn, someone can cut you off, like they did me, and never know just how mad you are about it. The accused continue driving, thinking, “I may have just cut that person off.  Well…no horn, everything must be okay.”  Meanwhile, you’re inventing curse words inside the soundproof bubble of your car’s interior.  Not only this, but your anger is heightened more when you have no means with which to get their attention to show them your middle finger (Figure 1).  At this point, you have no other choice than to pull up beside them and run them off the road.  If you have nothing better to do, you might follow the perpetrator home to urinate on their freshly seeded lawn to express your disdain.  It is easy to see what an important safety measure a car horn is.  Car horns prevent accidents and keep lawns green.

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Are things really that bad?

I was hungry the other night and decided to go to Taco Bell because, well, it was cheap. It’s bad enough that I’m resorting to saving money by eating at Taco Bell, but you know things are really bad when even they’re cutting back.  What have we come to expect from a Taco Bell taco?

• 100% USDA Choice Grade D meat, a step above dog food
• Partially stale hard or soft shell
• Cheese
• Cost at less than $1.00
• Lettuce
• Approximately 283 packets of hot sauce

Figure 1 - Puke. Eh, I'll eat it anyway.

To my disdain, upon opening my taco, I found that there was no lettuce (see the opposite of appetizing in Figure 1).  A head of lettuce costs about $1.00 at the grocery store.  Taco Bell, a fast food chain, probably gets them at a bulk discount, maybe at $0.85 a head.  Is the economy so in the tank that I can’t get my expected 15 shards of lettuce on my parasite infested taco? I mean, I’m trying to be health conscious here.  Without lettuce, I’m eating grade D meat on what I assume is some form of a Mexican cracker with a bunch of cheese.  As a side note, “Mexican cracker” is a slight oxymoron, and it makes me giggle.

What does not rouse a guffaw from my gullet is being deprived of my greens on my taco. This increases the likelihood that my colon will become detached from my gullet.  Furthermore, what the fuck is a gullet?  Back to the topic at hand.  I also did not receive my suitcase of various hot sauces. I was merely given enough hot sauce to evenly spread over my three tacos.  Though most of the aforementioned taco criteria had been met, enough had been omitted to make me realize we may be in a recession.  If things are really this bad, I need to start exploring effective ways to make my money work for me that don’t also give me explosive, uncontrollable diarrhea.

I was browsing the news sites and noticed a story CNN had picked up from China’s state-run news agency about 12 construction workers involved in an elevator accident.  Unfortunately, all of the workers were hurt in the incident, but not before being killed (see Figure 1).

Figure 1 - Apparently construction workers carry a ready supply of Phoenix Downs.

I don’t care if they’re cookies or fruit and cake.  What I want to know is how my unopened sleeve of Fig Newtons ended up like this:

Figure 1 - If this is the most exciting moment of your day, well...that's just sad.

I would have tried to sell this rare food anomaly on Ebay, but I was hungry. Coincidentally, this is the same reason I no longer have my potato chip shaped like Quebec.

UPDATE (11:50 PM 10/9/2008): This post has made the top 10 on ColdMud.com’s “Mains” list for October 9, 2008.ColdMud.com provides “The best food and drink writing and the latest news, reviews and gossip, updated daily from sources around the world.”  I give all the credit to the Nabisco Newton handlers.