Figure 1 - Yes, Kanye, once again you've told us what a giant tool you are.

I guess we shouldn’t expect more from a man who has said such things as:

“I realize that my place and position in history is that I will go down as the voice of this generation, of this decade.”

If this weren’t dumb enough in and of itself, Mr. West, in his phrasing, implies that a decade is longer than a generation.  His humility doesn’t end there either.  I really have no other way to lead into this than to say that what you’re about to read is so asinine that you may shit your pants in a fit of amazement at the undeniable cluelessness that the following statement displays:

“The Bible had 20, 30, 40, 50 characters in it.  You don’t think that I would be one of the characters of today’s modern Bible?”

Fucking wow.  I’ve decided to do my part.

To prevent at least one more person from listening to Kanye West’s music and to honor Taylor Swift since she got the shaft by Kanye, I went down to a second hand CD store, picked up a copy of Kanye’s “Late Registration”, and swiftly destroyed it with a Taylormade 4 iron.

Video after the break.

If you haven’t seen Band of Brothers already, head on over to Amazon.com and pick it up on Blu-ray for the criminally low price of $43.99.

“I believe in ammunition.”  Video after the break.

Figure 1 - "This is the worst kind of discrimination. The kind against me."

In my excitement for Futurama’s triumphant return to television, I was browsing the internet to see if any new information had been posted regarding the return, such as production schedules and future air dates.  To my horror, I stumbled on a post over at the blog Forces Of Geek stating that a casting notice has gone out seeking to recast several notable voices for Futurama, namely John DiMaggio, Maurice LaMarche, Billy West, and Katey Sagal.

FOX continues to prove my theories true.  In resurrecting a show that has done well after initial cancellation in syndication and DVD sales, FOX is only interested in pushing something out that will make a buck, with quality as an afterthought. I understand this is a business, but if you’re going to push out crap, people won’t watch it for more than the short term, thus, less money to be had.  1980’s guy probably said it best when he said, “Blank?  BLANK???  You’re not looking at the big picture!”

To better understand the magnitude of this potential change, I’ll fill the uninformed on some of the voices these talented folks do for the show.  John DiMaggio voices the lovable robot rascal Bender (Figure 1) among various other characters. Maurice LaMarche is responsible for many secondary characters in the show, most notably Leiutenant Kif Kroker, Calculon, Morbo the news monster, and Lrr of Omicron Persei 8. Katey Sagal, from Married … With Children fame as Peggy Bundy, voices the one-eyed love interest of our dim-witted protagonist, Turanga Leela.  With no disrespect to the other actors, the greatest loss would be Billy West. Futurama’s main character, Philip J. Fry, isn’t the only character West has brought to life with his talented voice.  Here are some of the many characters Billy West has voiced over the years:

Futurama: Philip J. Fry, Professor Hubert Farnsworth, Dr. Zoidberg, Zapp Brannigan, Leo Wong, Earth President Richard M. Nixon’s head, various others

Ren & Stimpy: Ren Höek, Stimpy

Doug: Douglas “Doug” Yancy Funnie

Various Looney Tunes Projects, including Space Jam: Bugs Bunny, Elmer Fudd

…among many others.  It seems that FOX, in the spirit of bringing back Futurama, has adopted the Planet Express slogan of “Our crew is replaceable, your package isn’t.” From the referenced article, apparently you can let your distaste with this proposition be known by sending an email to Futurama@ScottMullerCasting.com.

FOX can bite my shiny metal ass.

UPDATE (9:06 PM 7/28/2009): According to an interview with IGN, John DiMaggio, the voice of Bender, was pretty mum on the whole recasting situation, but did offer some optimism in saying:

All I can say is that Matt [Groening] and David [X. Cohen] have such a wonderful project and I love it dearly – love it to death. And hopefully we’ll be able to work it out. And I think we will. It’s just going to take a little time and that’s about it.

DiMaggio also went on to praise the fans for their support.  All I can say is I hope the next thing we hear out of DiMaggio’s mouth is “I’m back baby!”

Figure 1 - Comedy Central instead of FOX? This may be the case, only no longer just in syndication

“Huzzahs are in order! Huzzah!!!”

Cable television has once again resurrected an animated show that was given its pink slip far too early–except this time they’re taking matters into their own hands. The first lucky recipient of reanimated life was Family Guy, which had its canceling network, FOX, order new episodes after seeing the show’s reruns post impressive ratings on Cartoon Network’s late night programming block, Adult Swim.  Now, after six long years of waiting, a spokesperson for 20th Century FOX Television has confirmed that Comedy Central has ordered 26 brand-spankin’ new episodes of Futurama. While the FOX Network executives have had brain slugs on their heads for some time now, Comedy Central realized the potential of the Planet Express crew and made a lot of fans of the show extremely happy.  Huzzah!!!

“If anyone needs me I’ll be in the Angry Dome.”

According to the Futurama Wikipedia page, the show had 6.4 million viewers at the time of its cancellation.  So why was Futurama canceled in the first place?  Futurama was a show with fantastic writing, superb character development, and as creator Matt Groening had envisioned, a goofy comedy that would have underlying “legitimate literary science fiction concepts.” At the conclusion of its first season, Futurama had posted higher ratings than South Park, Family Guy, and King Of the Hill.  The writers of Futurama saw their impending doom coming placing hints throughout (Figure 1) and using obvious insinuation such as when Bender said, “Another classic science fiction show canceled before its time” in the episode Where No Fan Has Gone Before when referring to Star Trek.  So what in Sega Genesis happened?

“People said I was dumb, but I proved them!”

Figure 2 - Another unfortunate casualty of the FOX Network. There's always money in the banana stand...

Okay, so I know what happened, but revealing why Futurama got canceled in the last paragraph completely ruins the structure of my post.  People, we’re talking about the FOX Network.  If it’s not American Idol (who cares) or 24 (thank God), it’s probably going to get canceled. FOX has been responsible for the cancellation of some superb programs.  The previously mentioned Family Guy was canceled after only a few short seasons, only to be renewed years later. The resurgance of Family Guy has given life to two other Seth MacFarlane creations, American Dad and The Cleveland Show.  Quite possibly the funniest show ever, Arrested Development (Figure 2), was canceled after three seasons only to find a cult following on DVD. A feature film based on the show is in the works.  I’m also told that Firefly, a science fiction show that I need to get around to seeing, was excellent. The entire series was apparently put on DVD, sold out, and Universal Studios decided to make a movie: Serenity.  The most recent casualty has been Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, which FOX, in a genius move, moved to Friday nights when nobody watches TV, then canceled it due to the ratings that followed.

The trend with FOX is pretty clear. If the executives don’t like a show, they set it up for failure, regardless of how good it is or how the audience receives it.  When said show fails, it finds even more success than it had before in DVD and syndication, and FOX swoops back in to rake in the dough with movies, spin-offs, and new episodes. For example, FOX aired Arrested Development in its third season opposite Monday Night Football, reduced the episode order from 22 to 13, then aired the final four episodes in a 2-hour block opposite the 2006 Winter Olympics’ opening ceremonies.  The beloved Futurama was given a similar fate.  FOX often pre-empted the show with sporting events, making it difficult to determine when new episodes would be on.  The erratic schedule resulted in FOX ordering no further episodes of the show midway through production of the fourth season, leaving fans asking, “Hey. What kind of party is this? There’s no booze and only one hooker.”

“Don’t you worry about Planet Express. Let me worry about blank.”

As with many other canceled shows before it, Futurama found life in syndication. Cartoon Network acquired the rights to the show and began airing episodes on Adult Swim in 2003.  In 2005, Comedy Central bought the rights upon the expiration of Cartoon Network’s contract, which ended in 2008. Comedy Central planned to put Futurama in a time slot where it could be successful, airing it before South Park.  During its run on Adult Swim, the ratings unsurprisingly peaked 20th Century FOX Television’s interest in new episodes.  It was decided that sixteen episodes would be produced in the form of four straight to DVD movies, with most of the writers and all of the voice actors coming back.   On November 27, 2007, Bender’s Big Score was released on DVD in the United States.

“So I really am important? How I feel when I’m drunk is correct?”

Though not a failed experiment like Professor Farnsworth’s “Death Clock”, I found the DVD movies to be a difficult format for Futurama to maintain its charm in. In self-contained, smaller episodes, the show’s goofy characters, witty one liners, and wealth of science fiction references stand up surrounded by even the weakest plot.  The length of the DVD movies requires the plot be more involved and complex, and I didn’t feel the plots were that intriguing for the most part. That being said, the movies themselves were still relatively good, as any Futurama is better than most of the crap on TV today anyway.  Despite their shortcomings, the success of the DVD sales and the subsequent airing of their segmented parts convinced Comedy Central to pull the trigger and save Futurama.

“Blackmail is such an ugly word. I prefer “extortion.” The “X” makes it sound cool.”

We have more to thank Comedy Central for. Too long has the FOX Network been able to reap all of the benefits posthumously from shows they themselves canceled.  Comedy Central hasn’t put an end to this, but they’ve at least found a small way to punish FOX for their carelessness. As part of the deal, 20th Century Fox still has the option to license the new episodes’ original runs on a broadcast network (I wonder which one? Hmmm…), though this would reduce Comedy Central’s licensing fee for the show.  So either 20th Century Fox gets to air the episodes slightly before Comedy Central and receives less money for them, or Comedy Central gets to air the episodes originally and exclusively.

Nicely done TV Network Execubots of Comedy Central.  Nicely done.

I leave you with the Planet Express crew’s reaction to cancellation and renewal:

This method of theme song writing was extremely effective in drilling the name of the show into my head, making me want to watch it, and especially giving me the vital tools necessary to annoy my parents in toy stores and anywhere else I existed. After a little research, I found that many other shows meant for children employ this methodology in getting kids obsessed with watching them.  Here’s a list of 8 that I thought were especially effective:

8. Animaniacs

Though only saying the name of the show six times in the minute-long theme song, “Animaniacs” does a very effective job of grabbing the attention of kids and introducing the show and its characters to them. This introduction also repeatedly shows the program’s title logo when saying the name of the show to establish association between the two, much like another Warner Brothers’ show, Tiny Toons. Also like Tiny Toons, the Animaniacs introduction, as previously mentioned, finds the time to introduce different characters, their motives, quirks, and ability to dress themselves.  Notice how Wakko wears no pants, but Yakko and Dot go topless?

7. Duck Tales

The Duck Tales theme song is like “Sweet Caroline” for kindergartners. Like the irresistable urge for adults to belt “Ba Ba Ba” during the Neil Diamond single, what kid is uncompliant in serving up an enthusiastic “Woo hoo!” after someone says “Duck Tales”?  The show’s name is said a total of seven times during the introduction, though the word “duck” is said enough times to put you under your coffee table by the time it’s over.  Duck Tales is even more worthy of the “Indiana Jones” font it uses than George Lucas’s latest attempt at making me cry.

6. Power Rangers

I still have no idea what the appeal was of this show, aside from the Voltron-esque Megazord, but I watched it nonetheless.Power Rangers most certainly started off on the right foot with its fast paced theme song consisting of “Go, go, Power Rangers” repeatedly.   This show was cheezy, had incredibly low production value, and entrusted the fate of the world to “teenagers with attitude.”  This song had the same effect as two pounds of Sour Patch Kids on any unsuspecting young viewer, and they were not likely to forget what they were watching as “Power Rangers” is said a total of eight times.

5. Spongebob Squarepants

The Spongebob Squarepants introduction is a total of about forty-four seconds, with the first twelve being devoted to the “captain” asking the viewing children if they’re ready for the show.  Given that, during the rest of the introduction they say “Spongebob Squarepants” eight times in about thirty-two seconds, or about once every four seconds. This alone should place Spongebob and Patrick higher in the list, but if you have young siblings, cousins, or own an ice cream truck, I’m sure you’d agree that this show needs no further promotion.

4. Transformers

Transformers at number four?  They only say “Transformers” four times in thirty-four seconds, so why does this belong on the list?  Let’s get something straight here.  You’re six years old and you see your hot wheels turn into laser-wielding robots.  Either you just gave your parents a reason to reconsider taking you off diapers or you just got your first boner. Either way, you’re not easily forgetting about the first time you saw this.

3. G.I. Joe

So my parents wouldn’t let me and my brothers watch G.I. Joe because of all of guns. Lame right?  Despite that, for some reason they had no problem with us going outside and regularly beating the shit out of each other with sticks.  Regardless of my own shortcomings as a child, I am quite aware that the omission of G.I. Joe from this list would be a sin. This, and the fact that “G.I. Joe” is said nine times during the show’s introduction makes it worthy of this list.  The G.I. Joe theme song alone makes me want to wrap myself naked in the American flag while eating a cheeseburger and pleasuring myself to the Star Spangled Banner.

2. Thundercats

Thundercats is an unforgettable cartoon, and its theme song even moreso.  Nearly the entire introduction to the show consists of the word “Thundercats” (ten times) or the concatenated “thunder” (fifteen times).  Throw in some electric guitar, and no self respecting first grader would ever want to hear “Wheels On the Bus” again.

1. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Was there really any question?  Here is the chorus to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles theme song:

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Heroes in a half-shell
Turtle power!

Not only this, but the name of the show is said twice in between verses and in the background during verses, accounting for a total of twelve times in sixty seconds, or once every five seconds. Given that the name of the show is eight syllables long, this is quite impressive.  I have no idea how they made this show so successful, but I think this theme song had something to do with it.  Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles took turtles, probably the slowest and most boring creatures on earth, and made them sociable, pizza-loving, bipedal ninjas…and kids loved it.